Libdeminem - "Span"

Lib Dems leader Tim Farron continues his rap career with this heartfelt ode to the dog of "smell my spaniel" fame.

LYRICS

My spaniel smells, I’m wondering why I let him eat that pie
His manky farts cloud up my window, as I put on my tie
And if I could I’d wear it around my nose, ‘cause the overwhelming pong
Well, it inspired me to write this song, write this song

Dear Span, I fed you but you’re still not being quiet
I don’t know if you remember but you’re supposed to be on a diet
I left your worming tablets on the door mat
You must have ignored that
Or maybe you were busy outside chasing next door’s cat
I’ve been meaning to tell you they’ve got no time for that
But anyways, fuck it, what’s been up Span? (Do you like this format?)
Been busy too myself, I’m running to be PM
You probably don’t realise but I’m the leader of the Lib Dems
You shouldn’t have eaten that pie, you know, I’m livid
There were lots of cheese in it, so your dreams might get quite vivid
I know you probably hear this every day
But you’re rancid, Span
I even saw the unholy shit that you left my nan
You know you’re not allowed back in her house now, Span
I saw the shit you left on her doorstep, Span
That shit was rank
Anyways, I hope you get the message, Span, now here we go
Bark once for yes, twice for no and thrice for “I don’t know”

My spaniel smells, I’m wondering why I let him eat that pie
His manky farts cloud up my window, as I put on my tie
And if I could I’d wear it around my nose, ‘cause the overwhelming pong
Well, it inspired me to write this song, write this song

Ooh, dear Mr I’m-too-good-to-piss-or-shit-outside
In my home there are certain laws by which you must abide
It’s been six months and still this mess, I don’t deserve it
I know you got the worming tablets, I crumbled them up just perfect
So this is my cassette I’m sending you, I hope you hear it
I’m in the car right now, I’m doing 40 on the M6
Hey Span, I had a half of Amstel, dare me to drive?
You know that song by Phil Collins, “In the Air of the Night”?
Where that lad could have saved that other lad from drowning
But didn’t? That’s kind of how this is
You could have rescued me from drowning
By not bloody peeing everywhere, I’m absolutely steaming now, I’m frowning
It’s gross to come downstairs and step right in a pool
I hope you know I’ve scraped lots of your sick off the wall
I loved you, Span, we could have been a duo - think about it!
You ruined it now, but I hope you get well and get treatment for it
Maybe some cream, a good night’s sleep and you’ll battle past it
I hope you find a new owner and it’s longer lasting
See, Span - quiet Nick, I’m trying to talk!
Hey Span, that’s Nick Clegg screaming in the back
So maybe now you’ll believe I’m leader of the Lib Dems
But I can’t suffocate or suffer more of any of your poo
So I gotta go and drive through a bit of a fog
Oh shit, I forgot, how do I send a tape to a dog?

Backing track by Don-XDream https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtH6DysMV-8